My first divorced blog

This is my first blog since getting officially divorced, which happened this past Wednesday the 26th at 9am.

So, let's see. Married Saturday, July 23rd, 2006 at 5:30pm. Divorced Wednesday April 26th, 2010 at 10:00am. I'm too lazy to do the math. Seven years total in the relationship. It's a lot to throw away.

Have I questioned myself? Sure. In fact, I've second guessed myself for the past year, which is about the timeline from when things began. They'd gone south plenty for that, but things really blew open in late February. I can remember, because March and April of 2009 is when I believe we were seeing a marriage counselor. The flying pig marathon, which was this weekend, sticks out to me as a milestone in the breakdown of the marriage, because my ex-wife was planning on running her first half-marathon, but was so distraught over things that she couldn't do it. She didn't even go.

Of course, there were good times. I was with her for seven years, so there were obviously good things. I was in love, perhaps for the first time that I could really remember. (By the way, that will fuck with you... marrying and divorcing the only person you've been in love with) But obviously things broke down. We tried, both of us, in our own ways to make things work. They didn't. When I dug deep enough, with the help of a therapist, I realized that I was looking for something she was unwilling to give... and the same was true for her.

That is, ultimately, the tragedy. Two people who shared so much together, who had such fun, such a connection, made some amazing memories... ultimately growing to a point where they have no faith in each other, no trust, no hope.

My greatest concern is that the wound of this divorce may run so deep that I'll never be able to trust someone again. I want to trust people. I have an easier time when there's no sexual tension, or no bullshit going on. I want to be able to find a woman who I can trust and also shares with me what we are both looking for, but I suppose that's like trying to find one grain of sand on the shoreline in the dark.

I won't lie... I have had one almost-serious relationship while still married. I mean, we had been separated for well over half a year, and I had already personally 'moved on' from being married. Regardless, I'm ashamed of myself for letting myself date someone while still being married, even if separated. It violates my morals in some sick, twisted way... probably from my Christian upbringing I suppose, and all of the ways various people have twisted and abused the bible against me in the past. When it came down to it, when things started getting personal, I shut down.

You know that shutting down will never make a relationship work. But I was so deeply wounded by my ex-wife, that I'm pretty sure I'm deathly afraid of being completely open and honest about my desires, hopes, and needs. I suppose this equates to a big "FML", because really, I'm the only one who has the power to break through that, and until I believe I can, I won't.

So, anyway. Now that I have let you lovely readers in on my melodramatic blah-blah-blah, let's get to the point of why I wrote this.

Do I have regrets? Yes.  But... surprisingly... I have felt a bit lighter ever since the court session that made it final. I haven't cried yet. I don't know whether that should concern me, or whether I should be happy about that. Overall, I feel relieved, and hopeful that the friendship I made with her can survive this storm that tore us apart.

Another thing... it's funny, the reactions people have had when hearing about my divorce being official.  Some people are excited, raise their bottles and give me a good solid "cheers!!" Others have kind of half-smiled and said, "Congratulations, I guess?" Still others have put a hand on my arm and asked if I'm doing okay. It's just... interesting, the different reactions. And, funny enough, there are parts of me that can identify with all three.

So, anyway. Now I have to do the difficult thing of deciding who and what I want to be as a single man. I can already tell, it's gonna be a bitch of a time holding true to my ideals, convictions, and desires, while searching to find if there's another soulmate out there who might trump what I thought I had with Rebecca. We will see.