May 22nd, 2009. I sat at a bar with two good friends, drank a mixed drink, and watched the Kings Island fireworks. They were the only people I saw for my birthday. Inside of my soul was a terrible fear, a terrible sense of loss, for the person I had loved had gone away. There was rot, there were lies, there was pain. I ventured into the unknown leaning upon a shaken faith and wondering if my life would ever be put back together. If I could ever smile ear to ear without simply putting it on, faking, worn like a mask to conceal the threshing pain inside.
May 22nd, 2010. I sit in my room at 2:21 am with tears streaming down my face. But they are not the tears I shed the year before. I may sit on the same bed, in the same room by myself, but here my heart is not alone. I am surrounded in a sea of friends, big and small, far and close, young and old; friends who have captured me in their web of undying support and trust. Many have seen me through stages of self-destruction and borderline insanity. And yet I am inundated with those who have stuck by my side through thick and thin. They have listened to me lament, listened to me complain... and they have also sang with me, danced with me, drank with me, celebrated long into the night with me in the joys of life.
I simply cannot put into words the life that you have collectively breathed into me this past year. I would spin endlessly upon the mill of notes trying to find words that might express what your presence alone has breathed into me.
Here, I am safe. Here, I am home. Here, I am no longer alone.
I wish nothing but clear skies and smiles for all of you. Thank you for blessing me.
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
The Quandary of The Game
It's the game we all play. Ebb and flow, life and death, love and hate, gain and loss. The quandary is that we both love and hate the game. Duality at its finest, there. We hate the game; what it turns us into, what it makes us do to those we care about, how it eats us alive. And yet we love the game, for it brings us happiness and joy, peace and security, if only fleeting. We try to quit playing the game, but it sucks us back in. We try to hate on the game, but the game hates on us. We swear it off, but we come back to it like addicts. We cry for it, but we refuse to swear off the tears.
Do and don't, stop and go, start and stop. It's an endless cycle. We look with burning jealousy upon those who seem to be free of it, until we realize at long last that they are liars and false - that they, too, are as entrenched in the game as we. We swear by the hope that sanity finds us as it found them, until we realize that there's a touch of insanity in them as well, lurking under the skin like a virus.
I can't get out. Neither can you.
I've tried for the entirety of this short existence, swimming against the currents. I turn about and let them carry me into a maelstrom of destruction. Then about I go, against the rapids once again with maddened, futile strokes.
And so do you.
Do and don't, stop and go, start and stop. It's an endless cycle. We look with burning jealousy upon those who seem to be free of it, until we realize at long last that they are liars and false - that they, too, are as entrenched in the game as we. We swear by the hope that sanity finds us as it found them, until we realize that there's a touch of insanity in them as well, lurking under the skin like a virus.
I can't get out. Neither can you.
I've tried for the entirety of this short existence, swimming against the currents. I turn about and let them carry me into a maelstrom of destruction. Then about I go, against the rapids once again with maddened, futile strokes.
And so do you.
Sunday, May 2, 2010
My first divorced blog
This is my first blog since getting officially divorced, which happened this past Wednesday the 26th at 9am.
So, let's see. Married Saturday, July 23rd, 2006 at 5:30pm. Divorced Wednesday April 26th, 2010 at 10:00am. I'm too lazy to do the math. Seven years total in the relationship. It's a lot to throw away.
Have I questioned myself? Sure. In fact, I've second guessed myself for the past year, which is about the timeline from when things began. They'd gone south plenty for that, but things really blew open in late February. I can remember, because March and April of 2009 is when I believe we were seeing a marriage counselor. The flying pig marathon, which was this weekend, sticks out to me as a milestone in the breakdown of the marriage, because my ex-wife was planning on running her first half-marathon, but was so distraught over things that she couldn't do it. She didn't even go.
Of course, there were good times. I was with her for seven years, so there were obviously good things. I was in love, perhaps for the first time that I could really remember. (By the way, that will fuck with you... marrying and divorcing the only person you've been in love with) But obviously things broke down. We tried, both of us, in our own ways to make things work. They didn't. When I dug deep enough, with the help of a therapist, I realized that I was looking for something she was unwilling to give... and the same was true for her.
That is, ultimately, the tragedy. Two people who shared so much together, who had such fun, such a connection, made some amazing memories... ultimately growing to a point where they have no faith in each other, no trust, no hope.
My greatest concern is that the wound of this divorce may run so deep that I'll never be able to trust someone again. I want to trust people. I have an easier time when there's no sexual tension, or no bullshit going on. I want to be able to find a woman who I can trust and also shares with me what we are both looking for, but I suppose that's like trying to find one grain of sand on the shoreline in the dark.
I won't lie... I have had one almost-serious relationship while still married. I mean, we had been separated for well over half a year, and I had already personally 'moved on' from being married. Regardless, I'm ashamed of myself for letting myself date someone while still being married, even if separated. It violates my morals in some sick, twisted way... probably from my Christian upbringing I suppose, and all of the ways various people have twisted and abused the bible against me in the past. When it came down to it, when things started getting personal, I shut down.
You know that shutting down will never make a relationship work. But I was so deeply wounded by my ex-wife, that I'm pretty sure I'm deathly afraid of being completely open and honest about my desires, hopes, and needs. I suppose this equates to a big "FML", because really, I'm the only one who has the power to break through that, and until I believe I can, I won't.
So, anyway. Now that I have let you lovely readers in on my melodramatic blah-blah-blah, let's get to the point of why I wrote this.
Do I have regrets? Yes. But... surprisingly... I have felt a bit lighter ever since the court session that made it final. I haven't cried yet. I don't know whether that should concern me, or whether I should be happy about that. Overall, I feel relieved, and hopeful that the friendship I made with her can survive this storm that tore us apart.
Another thing... it's funny, the reactions people have had when hearing about my divorce being official. Some people are excited, raise their bottles and give me a good solid "cheers!!" Others have kind of half-smiled and said, "Congratulations, I guess?" Still others have put a hand on my arm and asked if I'm doing okay. It's just... interesting, the different reactions. And, funny enough, there are parts of me that can identify with all three.
So, anyway. Now I have to do the difficult thing of deciding who and what I want to be as a single man. I can already tell, it's gonna be a bitch of a time holding true to my ideals, convictions, and desires, while searching to find if there's another soulmate out there who might trump what I thought I had with Rebecca. We will see.
So, let's see. Married Saturday, July 23rd, 2006 at 5:30pm. Divorced Wednesday April 26th, 2010 at 10:00am. I'm too lazy to do the math. Seven years total in the relationship. It's a lot to throw away.
Have I questioned myself? Sure. In fact, I've second guessed myself for the past year, which is about the timeline from when things began. They'd gone south plenty for that, but things really blew open in late February. I can remember, because March and April of 2009 is when I believe we were seeing a marriage counselor. The flying pig marathon, which was this weekend, sticks out to me as a milestone in the breakdown of the marriage, because my ex-wife was planning on running her first half-marathon, but was so distraught over things that she couldn't do it. She didn't even go.
Of course, there were good times. I was with her for seven years, so there were obviously good things. I was in love, perhaps for the first time that I could really remember. (By the way, that will fuck with you... marrying and divorcing the only person you've been in love with) But obviously things broke down. We tried, both of us, in our own ways to make things work. They didn't. When I dug deep enough, with the help of a therapist, I realized that I was looking for something she was unwilling to give... and the same was true for her.
That is, ultimately, the tragedy. Two people who shared so much together, who had such fun, such a connection, made some amazing memories... ultimately growing to a point where they have no faith in each other, no trust, no hope.
My greatest concern is that the wound of this divorce may run so deep that I'll never be able to trust someone again. I want to trust people. I have an easier time when there's no sexual tension, or no bullshit going on. I want to be able to find a woman who I can trust and also shares with me what we are both looking for, but I suppose that's like trying to find one grain of sand on the shoreline in the dark.
I won't lie... I have had one almost-serious relationship while still married. I mean, we had been separated for well over half a year, and I had already personally 'moved on' from being married. Regardless, I'm ashamed of myself for letting myself date someone while still being married, even if separated. It violates my morals in some sick, twisted way... probably from my Christian upbringing I suppose, and all of the ways various people have twisted and abused the bible against me in the past. When it came down to it, when things started getting personal, I shut down.
You know that shutting down will never make a relationship work. But I was so deeply wounded by my ex-wife, that I'm pretty sure I'm deathly afraid of being completely open and honest about my desires, hopes, and needs. I suppose this equates to a big "FML", because really, I'm the only one who has the power to break through that, and until I believe I can, I won't.
So, anyway. Now that I have let you lovely readers in on my melodramatic blah-blah-blah, let's get to the point of why I wrote this.
Do I have regrets? Yes. But... surprisingly... I have felt a bit lighter ever since the court session that made it final. I haven't cried yet. I don't know whether that should concern me, or whether I should be happy about that. Overall, I feel relieved, and hopeful that the friendship I made with her can survive this storm that tore us apart.
Another thing... it's funny, the reactions people have had when hearing about my divorce being official. Some people are excited, raise their bottles and give me a good solid "cheers!!" Others have kind of half-smiled and said, "Congratulations, I guess?" Still others have put a hand on my arm and asked if I'm doing okay. It's just... interesting, the different reactions. And, funny enough, there are parts of me that can identify with all three.
So, anyway. Now I have to do the difficult thing of deciding who and what I want to be as a single man. I can already tell, it's gonna be a bitch of a time holding true to my ideals, convictions, and desires, while searching to find if there's another soulmate out there who might trump what I thought I had with Rebecca. We will see.
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